I haven’t blogged for a long time. Too long in fact and this is going to be quite a heavy blog to post as my comeback.
This is going to be very a frank and honest blog that I imagine many will be able to relate to and isn’t really something that’s going to be easy to post.
Now before you carry on reading, I would like to point out that this isn’t a sympathy blog. This is my introduction back and will be my post for moving forward with and hopefully bring with it more interesting stories. So just stick with me here because it’s going to be a load of waffle.
My last post was about getting a new job. I’ve been there just shy of three months now and I can honestly say I love it. It has it’s moments where it stresses me out and generally I deal with these moments by going a bit red and poking the photocopier a bit harder than I usually do, but then the moment passes and it’s business as usual.
I’ve become one of those people who are consumed by work, when I’m not at work I’m talking about work and what funny thing happened or having various little discussions with ideas in my head and I’m pretty sure everyone but me must be pretty bored by now, but I love it.
Have I mentioned I love it? Yes? Oh..
Well, in my last post, I posted about how when I decided not to be a prison officer, I felt a bit lost because my dream had gone and I wasn’t sure what to focus on and aim for.
I’ve found that has still applied even though I’m now in a job I love. (Sorry!) So much of my thinking been focused on IF I get a new job and less on WHEN.
“If I get a new job I’ll….”
Well I’ve got a new job that isn’t really a new job anymore. That “excuse” has been taken away so I’m back in limbo.
I’m also very happy with things personally. I’ve moved back in with my parents and also have my auntie and cousins back in my life and that still feels like every Christmas in one and when we get together it actually gives me the fuzzy feeling that you get when you’re all together with your family on Christmas morning.
Now if you’re wondering where the hard hitting, nitty-gritty is that I spoke of; brace yourself.
You see whilst my life on the surface looks pretty rainbows and candy floss, I’ve suddenly found myself suffering from a severe case of Being Complacent.
Now it’s a running joke that women are never happy. For example: I wasn’t happy until I got an iPhone and then I wasn’t happy until I got a MacBook and THEN I wasn’t happy till I got an iPad. (I’ve got them all now).
You see everything in life is quite similar. I have a great family but I wanted the great job so now I have the family and the job but now I want the great ME.
And to be honest, I’m far from great right now. If I’m honest I actually hate me right now to the point I even look in the mirror and hate EVERYTHING, even right down to the way my eyebrows are growing.
Told you it was going to be dramatic. I bet you still wasn’t expecting eyebrow rage though.
I’m a serial dieter. I diet, I lose weight, I feel great and people notice and then CAAAAAAKE and then I’m back at square one. I always claim that This Time will be different and it will all work out and it will be amazing but I’m so easily distracted and also so easily disheartened it never works.
I’m not proud to admit that the last time I lost my motivation it was down to comfort eating over a boy.
Said boy had been a very good influence on my lifestyle due to his own and it was very easy whilst spending time with him to adopt his policy and my weight was doing brilliantly and then he was a lot of an asshole and I turned to food for comfort. It makes me hurt to think where I’d be if I’d just carried on after this instead of resorting to food but if ifs and ands were pots and pans, well, I’d have probably eaten them.
Anyway, after a mountain of cake and spaghetti and cheese – I got over that.
Then I started struggling in my old job and my way to deal with that was again, by eating. Cinnamon buns, bread rolls and Nutella was actually great for dealing with that and then usually a couple of bags of Giant Buttons thrown in for any remaining emotional hunger pangs.
I got massive again and when I found myself shopping for an interview outfit it was a huge slap in the face, not that I needed one really given the size of the pants that I needed to buy – I had to buy a size 20.
Now for someone who was aiming and well on track for size 12 clothes this time last year that was a pretty huge smack in the belly rolls.
I started eating better and was walking quite a bit more and slowly my comfort fat has started to come off. I posted a comparison photo on Instagram which I have since removed whilst currently operating in my I HATE MYSELF mode. I’ve done pretty well but I’m still fat.
It is starting to affect a lot of my life and being fat has started to consume all of my thoughts which isn’t making me any thinner which I’m hoping this blog will help because then I can get all my word and thought vomit out and move forward with my plan.
A plan I’m not fully sure of yet but given this is going to be it then it’s going to have to be a trial and error situation.
I would like to point out here that I’m quite content to refer to myself as fat and this is in no way a judgement or comment to anyone other than myself. I am overweight because of my fat but I will continue to view myself in the mirror as a fat girl for the time being so that is how I refer to myself. I’m not intending to upset anyone.
Last weekend was a pretty big weekend for me for two reasons.
Reason number one – I was going on the first date I’ve been on since last December.
Reason number two – it was the 10k Great Manchester Run.
Back to number one. I haven’t dated for so long because I have been focusing on other things (job and family – like I had to point that out) but I’ve always had my account on Plenty of Fish that I dipped in and out of and not much took my fancy and it wasn’t really a priority. Mostly because I hate the fact that dating can make you feel so shite.
It might go well when you meet up and you think it’s okay but then they send you a message or even worst they don’t send you a message and you just never see them again. Now this is something else I’ve come to shrug off “oh it’s because I’m fat” and if that still continues when I’ve lost weight I’ll have a huge struggle on my hands to stop being boring or something but for now let’s go with that.
But anyway, I was due to meet this guy who seemed lovely and was attractive and had a good sense of humour and he wanted to take me to my favourite restaurant – perfect!
But no. I ruined it all because the night before I was trying to decide what to wear and ended up trying EVERYTHING on in my wardrobe and everything looked awful and I was even getting so worked up that I even started hating my shoes and I love my shoes.
Why bother going on the date when he isn’t even going to fancy me and make me feel like shit?
What was actually happening was I was making myself feel rubbish but blaming this poor guy I’ve never even met!
I made an excuse not to go and he knew it was an excuse but there we go.
This is how deep set my mentality has got with my appearance at the moment. I’m back to thinking “when I lose weight I can…”
I remember discussing this issue with a friend a long time ago and she asked me what will happen when I get thin. I was momentarily stumped and she continued asking me when will it stop? When will I stop with this unhappiness with my body or will it forever continue and in fairness, she raises a very valid point. I put off and excuse myself from so many things with the auto-answer that it’ll all get magically better and stop when I can fit in a size 12 pair of jeans? Or maybe when I can wear a bikini or feel comfortable getting naked in front of another person?
It’s hard to tell when you’re so caught up in the unhappiness of the moment and your current reflection. I can see myself slipping back into little ways of not wanting to bother with my appearance as it is at the moment. I’m not styling my hair or wearing much makeup. I’m wearing the baggiest clothes I own in order to hide my body and not feel aggravated, especially with the heat we’ve had.
Wow I’ve gone totally off subject here. Wasn’t I talking about dating? Long story short, I didn’t go because I’m feeling fat.
Second point, the 10k. I did this last year and was really proud of my achievement last year but this year not so much. I didn’t do very much training at all. I still managed to achieve a good time but when I saw the photos from last year I was so unhappy. I pledged to myself that next year will be different and I will look great and it’ll all be great and it wasn’t.
It took me 4 minutes longer to do the race this year, which when you consider I hadn’t done any training wasn’t so bad, but I’m still unhappy with my pictures and really can’t take much pride in what I’ve done. There were all shapes and sizes on the day but I felt like a huge fraud and was so uncomfortable.
So I suppose this is the moment I draw the line under all this drama and crack on with changing it?
I’ve got lots to focus on these coming months if I want to finally achieve something with my body.
I want to get my fitness levels up.
I want to get into smaller clothes.
I want to be confident in who I am.
Most importantly – I want to love myself.